


I’ll be Home for Christmas (If Only in my Dreams)

by msgilliana



Category: The X-Files
Genre: Angst, F/M, MSR, Snow
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-04
Updated: 2020-12-04
Packaged: 2021-03-09 20:13:37
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 867
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27872094
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/msgilliana/pseuds/msgilliana
Summary: 25 Days of Ficmas Day 3: Snow
Relationships: Fox Mulder/Dana Scully
Comments: 3
Kudos: 28
Collections: bisexualreina and msgilliana’s 25 days of ficmas





	I’ll be Home for Christmas (If Only in my Dreams)

**Author's Note:**

> WARNING: Angst and sexual themes

The first snowfall of December was always magical. It was the holiday season, and children wanted nothing more than snow like in many of the beloved songs that came on the radio. Dreams of sledding down hills and snowball fights filled many a child’s minds. Snow also brought magic, as it made DC feel like a winter wonderland in people’s own backyards. For Dana Scully, however, snow came with thoughts of her child. A child who loved the snow, even at just over six months old. A child she couldn’t protect, a child she had to lose in order to show her love for him. 

As Mulder entered in and out of her, she tried hard to bring her focus back to him.

“Scully, you okay?” Mulder asked as he continued his thrusts, slowing for her.

She was brought out of her reverie. “Oh, mhmm. I’m fine.”

“You seem a little out of it. I want this to be enjoyable.”

“Mulder, I’m _fine_.”

Fine. That’s all she ever was.

“I’m stopping,” he said.

Scully quickly wrapped her legs around his waist, heels digging into his ass. “Don’t you dare.”

“Then tell me what’s wrong.”

“Nothing’s wrong.” They were both starting to get irritated. 

“You’re lying.”

Scully scoffed, moving her feet so Mulder would be buried deeper into her. Tears started to form as she kept thinking about William, her sweet boy who was God knows how far away. He wouldn’t even remember her. The woman who loved him and carried him. Her miracle boy wouldn’t even be old enough to retain memories of laughter when they were with Monica. Or being lifted into the air by the Lone Gunmen at Scully’s chagrin, but he would be giggling and enjoying every second. 

“Scully. You’re in pain.”

“Don’t therapize me.”

Mulder sighed, trying to escape Scully’s grasp on him.

“I said don’t stop.”

“I can’t watch you like this.”

Tears fell harder and she choked back sobs. “Keep going.”

“Scully, no.”

“Keep going, dammit!” she yelled. “I need to forget.”

“Forget what?” Mulder prompted. He wasn’t moving. 

Scully pushed him so she was on top. “Fine, I’ll do it myself.” She started riding him, kneading her breasts and crying. 

Mulder held Scully’s hips to stop her. The motion angered her, and she kissed Mulder roughly. He pulled away, looking into her eyes, but even in the dimly lit room they were dull, lifeless. 

“Scully…” he whispered. “Please.”

She erupted. She got off of him and pushed him down. Her tears stained her eyes as she grabbed the lamp that was giving light and threw it, sending it crashing into the wall, spreading darkness. Mulder got up and wrapped himself around her from behind. Scully thrashed and yelled and kicked her legs, lifting herself up, but Mulder’s grip only tightened around her naked body. 

For months, she said she was fine, that she was okay. For months, he watched as she longingly looked at mothers with their children, babies in strollers, and remembered their son. For months, he tried to be there for her, being pushed away. Sex was just that. They didn’t make love anymore. She had no more left to give, for it was snatched from her, and not even he could bring it back. 

Sobs erupted over her as she held onto his arms her legs wobbling. He carried her to the bed and she curled into herself as he turned the light on. He watched as her face scrunched up as tears fell across her nose onto the sheets. Slowly making his way over to her, Mulder brushed away hair that had become stuck to her cheek by her tears. He got behind her and held her as she cried.

“It’s okay. Let it out.”

For minutes, the only sound that could be heard was her crying. Mulder was patient. He would wait until she was ready. Until she finally opened up.

Her sobs dissipated, becoming sniffles. “William loved the snow,” she finally said, struggling to say the words. 

“Oh, Scully.” Mulder held her tighter.

“When… whenever we went out, he always… he always loved when… when snow landed on his cheeks…” she managed between sniffs. 

“I love you so much,” he whispered into her ear.

“I miss him.” She choked back a sob.

“I know, I know.” He stroked her hair, his heart breaking.

“I couldn’t protect him. I couldn’t be a mother.” Scully almost returned to sobbing, but she stopped herself.

“You did what you had to do. I bet he’s enjoying the snow, and he’s safe. You kept him safe.” Mulder tried to comfort her, but this was a pain he didn’t know if it would ever heal.

“I kept him safe,” she repeated, sniffling. 

“You love him and made the ultimate sacrifice. You will _always_ be a mother, Scully.”

Sniff. “Really?”

“Really.” He kissed her cheek and felt her body soften as she sighed. 

She continued occasional sniffles, Mulder never letting her go. When she finally fell asleep, Mulder stayed awake, finding comfort in her steady breathing. He looked out onto the window, watching the snow fall, hoping their son was out there somewhere, laughing as the snow fell on his cheeks.


End file.
